Blog 10 - Sifting Through Your Life

Carin Bonifacino • Feb 05, 2024

What if you wrote your own obituary? 

At the funeral home where I work, one of the things we often do is help families write the obituaries for their loved ones.  We start with a basic template and fill in the details of the person’s life.  Often, someone in the family with a flair for writing will add more personal information and creative touches to the document.  The whole undertaking is part creation of a public document and also a process of “taking stock”- taking stock of what the family will remember, what mattered most to this person, and what were the highlights of their life.  An obituary is a snapshot (indeed, there’s usually a photograph attached to it) and it can be a very cathartic process for those closest to the person to participate in creating it. 


But I’d like to pose a question to you - what if you wrote your own obituary?  What if you wrote it right now?  Today?  How would you sum up your life thus far?  What would be the highlights?  As you look back, what would you say has mattered most and what’s been most meaningful?  If you could write any last words to the people you love, what would they be?  To whom might you express gratitude and to whom might you impart advice? 


When I have posed this question to people, that is, “what if you wote your own obituary?” I am often met with shock and horror.  I, too, would have shaken my head and found the whole idea pretty crazy not that many years ago.  But the older I get and the more people I lose, the more I am acutely aware of the inevitability of my own demise.  And rather than keeping that knowledge in the back of my mind, I find that the more I keep it in the front (ish), the more I appreciate the time I have and the fact that I’m still here. 


And so, for those who are willing to consider it or maybe even give it a try, writing your own obituary is an exercise.  It’s an exercise in acknowledging your mortality.  For the person doing the writing, this can be a pretty emotional and cathartic experience.  And yet…and yet, there is such deep peace to be found in it.  There is such deep peace to be found in the process of sifting through your life to decide for yourself what has held up on the journey and what has not, what’s worth saving and what’s worth letting go, what’s important to mention and what’s not.  You get to decide and you create the snapshot. You get to paint the picture of your life and you can paint it any way you’d like! 


Here’s what I can tell you - I wrote my obituary 8 or so years ago.  I find that I fear my death less and I’m more present in my life as a result.   I know what will be published about me because I wrote it myself.  My children can add to it if they’d like and that’s fine but the basic gist of it is from my heart and those are the final words that anyone will ever hear from me - at least in this realm! If you like to do introspective or spiritual/emotional growth work, this is as good as it gets.  It’s one heck of an assignment and the payoff is powerful!   


For inspiration here are links to some wonderful obituaries written by the actual person before he or she died: 


This one is beautiful - Jane Catherine Lotter - 2013 

https://www.legacy.com/us/obituaries/seattletimes/name/jane-lotter-obituary?id=13178192


This one is funny - Val Patterson - 2012 https://www.legacy.com/us/obituaries/saltlaketribune/name/val-patterson-obituary?n=val-patterson&pid=158526785


This one is moving - John A. Hottell - 1970 (Scroll all the way down the page to read the obituary he wrote before he shipped off to Vietnam.) 

https://www.west-point.org/users/usma1964/24930/

Blog 9 - Music to a Grieving Person's Ears

By Carin Bonifacino • 04 Dec, 2023
Something that I like to remind people, when I’m officiating a funeral or memorial service, is to continue to reach out to those most deeply impacted by the loss, in the weeks, months, and years afterwards. I like to remind them that you can’t make a person “more sad” by mentioning the name of the person who died and in fact, you will have the opposite effect. By saying the name of the person who died, you will make a grieving person happy.

Blog 8 - The Service is the Medicine

By Carin Bonifacino • 03 Nov, 2023
In the modern era, many people have forgotten what the reasons are for having a funeral, memorial service, or celebration of life. As more people move away from traditional religion and as we as a society have less and less experience in the realm of death and dying, the necessity for a gathering of some kind after a loved one’s death, can seem unimportant. “It’s not going to bring the person back,” some might say. “It’s just a lot of formality,” others might say.

Blog 7 - A Proper Send Off

By Carin Bonifacino • 18 Sep, 2023
When Danny was born his parents were overjoyed. They could not believe how precious he was, how perfect. They kissed his fingers and toes and loved him as the beautiful new being that he was. Baby Danny was welcomed into their extended families with much jubilation.

Blog 6 - Enter, Green Burial

By Carin Bonifacino • 27 Jul, 2023
Let’s start with a visualization exercise: I invite you to imagine a wildflower meadow. It is a mix of grasses and tall flowers. The flowers are yellow and white and purple and all around this field are dancing butterflies and busy honey bees and, occasionally, birds swoop by to snatch an insect from the air or to pick some seeds from a plant.

Blog 5 - The Electric Slide

By Carin Bonifacino • 05 Jul, 2023
Despite what many people think, there are no rules when it comes to holding or creating a funeral or memorial service for someone you loved. None. I have officiated services in churches and funeral homes, in parks and country clubs, under tents in a field and in living rooms and backyards.

Blog 4 - Going the Distance

By Carin Bonifacino • 21 Jun, 2023
When Jerry’s wife died, he knew he wanted to be at the funeral home when her body was cremated. He and Sharon had started out as high school sweethearts. Over the decades, they had two children together and had supported and loved one another through all the ups and downs that life can bring - career changes, moves, and the illnesses and deaths of both their parents.

Blog 3- Pure Joy

By Carin Bonifacino • 11 May, 2023
I am a fan of flowers. Everyone is different but, personally, I can’t imagine anything more appropriate, healing, or uplifting after a death than bouquets or arrangements of fresh flowers. In my book, they are pure joy, and when I have received them after a loss they gave me so much more value than whatever the person paid for them.

Blog 2 - Grief is Patient

By Rev. Carin Bonifacino • 12 Apr, 2023
When my husband died in 2014, his loss was sudden and unexpected. It blindsided us all - his family, friends, co-workers, and extended community. He was young and it was tragic. As a widow, my main focus was on my children who were 12 and 14 years old at the time.

Blog 1 - The Love

By Rev. Carin Bonifacino • 24 Mar, 2023
When I was in my early twenties, studying plants and learning how to grow things for a living, I had no idea that three decades later, I’d be officiating funerals and memorial services and writing eulogies for a living. I had no idea that my own personal losses would put me on a trajectory to work with grieving people and to spend time with them, asking questions, and learning about the lives of their loved ones.
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