Blog 4 - Going the Distance

When Jerry’s wife died, he knew he wanted to be at the funeral home when her body was cremated.  He and Sharon had started out as high school sweethearts.  Over the decades, they had two children together and had supported and loved one another through all the ups and downs that life can bring - career changes, moves, and the illnesses and deaths of both their parents.  Now that Sharon was gone, succumbing to the cancer that had robbed her of her vitality over the past year, Jerry felt that being present with her “all the way to the end” was something that he owed her.  This woman who had been his partner in all things; this woman who had been with him every step of the way in this journey called “life;” he would be there with her every step of the way, even in death.  He informed his adult daughters that he was going to do a “witness cremation” for their mother at the crematory and invited them to join him.  Seeing how important this was to their father they said “yes,” and agreed to accompany him. 

A witness cremation is not something that most people have heard of.  It is a service provided by most crematories that allows families the option to watch as their loved one is cremated. Now, by “watch” I don’t mean they see the actual flames or watch the body incinerate.  What I mean is that they stand at a window, usually in an adjoining room, and watch the box or casket that contains their loved one go into the chamber.  There may or may not be a small ceremony beforehand but either way, just by being present, there is an implicit acknowledgement that something significant is about to happen.  And in this case, the “something significant” is that the body of their loved one is about to be transformed.  In fact, the body of their loved one is about to take its final form. And in many ways, it is this moment, which truly signifies that their physical journey in this life is over.   

Obviously, this act of witnessing your loved one’s cremation may not be something you desire to do.  But for those who would consider it, I offer you this:  Do we not witness babies being born?  Do we not have loved ones gathered round as the woman labors - spouses, partners, grandparents - and even other siblings are often present at a birth.  We celebrate this new being as it comes into the world.  And yes, I realize that often people are surrounded by loved ones as they are actively dying and that is as it should be.  Consider then that this “witnessing the cremation” piece is just one more step in the process of honoring someone you loved as their physical body leaves this world.  Consider then that this is just one more step in “going the distance” with them.  Consider then that by acknowledging that our loved one is about to be transformed, we may recognize on some level that we are too.